PS:

Journalist now-days are absolutely ridiculous. it makes me want to switch majors all together. I was watching a tribute to columbine last night. One of the victims, a teacher at the high school was shot and killed. His wife was at home waiting for a call, the phone rang and a journalist was on the line
Journalist: Hello, is this Jane Smith?(making up a name cause i don't remember her real name)
Jane: yes...
Journalist: Hi, I'm "looking for a promotion Jones" from the Lamest News station in America, your husband has been killed in the shooting, what do you have to say?
Jane: Threw the phone across the room and doesn't remember anything after that.

i was FURIOUS when i watched that. "WHY ARE JOURNALIST SUCH ASS HOLES!!!" I screamed. (yes, i did use colorful language, even though i've been taming my tongue, no other word could possibly describe that reporter, that name doesn't even do it justice)

then watching the news and the reporters interviewing survivors from the VT shooting...i became even more angry and had to turn it off. I had found this kids blog, his girlfriend was in one of the classrooms and was one of the few that survived, she had taken a stray bullet in the hand. I found his blog again today to see if he had written any updates. and he had 2oo comments on the one from monday, the day it happened. The most recent one i read was from a reporter from CBC news saying that she's sorry, but would love to get an interview with him i scrolled down and only found more from different news stations. one lady from ABC (i think) said "...i know the phones are not working, so maybe you could shoot me and e-mail..."
nice choice of words, idiot.

I've vowed that in my profession, i would never become like that.

GAH! it makes me SO MAD! why? why is everyone so concerned about getting that one interview, or shot that will put them on the top. or get them that promotion they've been waiting for, or that award....its all so stupid. and infuriating. i want to do something...but what? i remember feeling this way when Katrina hit. i wanted desperately to help, i gave blood. but what else?

i hate feeling helpless.

with this whole Virginia tech thing it makes me think what if it happened here. I mean, it could EASILY happen here. granted i'm no longer in the dorms, but i do go to classes.

What if....

I'm not one to really live off of "what if's" ...."what if it rains, what if i get hit by a car when i get the mail, what if i get struck by lightning, what if i brake my ankle playing basketball...." i hate that.

but really this situation is real. (not that getting hit by a car isn't but you get it) I'm in college. there are thousands of people on campus every day, what if some guy just loses it. what if this VT thing sparks it and he (or she i guess) runs with it. I stayed up till 1 flipping back and forth between news stations. There was coverage of when President Bush spoke, and the entire Colosseum erupted with chants of "lets go Hokies"

I got chills. I got that lump in my throat.

After watching numerous interviews with students and different officers i started to think about what i would do if i was in that situation.

I'd like to think that i would be brave, and fearless and barricade the door to my classroom or try and help people escape somehow. but would i really react that way? or would i be the first one out the window. I always visioned myself being brave. and fearless of death because i know i have eternal life, so if i could save even ONE person and have my life be a witness, and have them find out, the reason she stayed behind and let you go, was because she sacrificed her life, so you might live, just as Christ did.

i'd do it in a heart beat.

and if i didn't for some reason, i'd probably die of guilt. i wouldn't sleep, i would stay up thinking about what i should have done.

Our student body is holding a moment of silence tonight. we're also sending out support cards signed by us. I think that's cool. Its too bad that tragedy has to happen to bring people together.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship...

Things have been pretty rough the past few months. Slowly but surely i have removed myself from the driver seat of my car and let God take control again...(i seem to have a problem with thinking "i can do it")
I've been struggling with feeling like i'm not enough. I'm not good enough at school, i'm not good enough at being a christian, i'm not good enough at being myself. I'm not good enough at being a sister, daughter, grand-daughter, niece, woman. I'm not good enough at anything. Most if not all of these are lies. but they are true feelings i've had, and still continue to fight the war within myself.
But...
Contrary to some beliefs. I am making progress. I am changing. I am searching for truth, not through people but through the Bible. I've been really interested in learning more about the history of the bible(old testament) so, i started with the celebration of the passover, since it was that time of year. its interesting. i wish i had more resources. more books, more PhD's around.

but i do believe that if you seek you will find. so i'm seeking. and i will find, eventually.
Pray for me as i continue this battle.


It was good to see the whole family at easter. Its been so long since we've all been together, but no matter how long, we all still slip into those spots in our family...i'm almost 21, but feel most comfortable at the "kids table" its interesting the dynamic of our family. how different we all are. i love it.

Heres a good pic of me jim-rowdy and little loo loo on easter.

and lauren playing 007....a little family ritual every holiday.