Monday, April 07, 2008

holy moly....

I got sent an e-mail from my oldest sister saying ever so kindly "UPDATE YOUR BLOG!!!!"

so here i am :-)
(love you syd)

and heres the cliche..."SO MUCH HAS CHANGED SINCE MY LAST POST!"

In my last post, i posted pictures of me and my room mates and some neighbor boys that i thought were friends.
well...they aren't. turns out i was just a sucker for their game of "im a nice guy...i just want to meet a nice girl" but it was all an act...they turned out to be pretty shallow. and FULL of drama.

My room mate(hayley, 19) turned out to be..........................19.........she's a good girl...but just has a lot of growing up to do as did i at 19...when you think you know everything.
she's left for study abroad in mexico for the term which i think will either bring her back thinking she knows everything even more...or it will really be a good learning experience for her.

as for me...

I have grown up a lot also. I've learned that people let you down. and i tend to give second chances to people who don't deserve them. But through out a lot of drama, of he said she said bull$%^&*....i have finally put my foot down and cut a lot of bad people out of my life...or moved them a safer distance away from my heart. which i have also found out is extremely sensitive.

I think over my junior year so far...i have cried more this school year, than any other, but i have also laughed more. I have never been farther away from God, but recently never felt better about my pursuit in knowing him. Not so much in the way of "i read my bible ever day" but in my everyday out look on things, and my everyday conversations with him....asking him what things mean, how come this? why is this that way? i have found a lot of science that backs up the bible...which is exciting for me. im not sure why. i've always known the bible to be true. i have never doubted it...but i guess i always wanted something more than just "believing" ive always wanted something tangible. i think we all do at some point. it makes it easier to witness too. with out being annoying. like..."have a God day." ew.
(but if you do say that i'm not judging you...its just not me. )

i went home for spring break. it was a good break. i felt like i got to reconnect with Lauren in ways that her and i have been missing for a while now..due to whatever...age, life, school...
i also have felt closer with syd as i get older too. Her and i seem to be more and more similar than i ever thought we would be. As i see her go through the beginning/nerve-wracking stage of her awesome pregnancy i see a strength and confidence in her that has been i think defeated for so long. With james i see him just glowing. i see him excited. anytime our family talks about "the baby"(which is a lot :-) He is first to tell when her next appointment is, what names, how many weeks syd is, when she's due...etc. he's THERE. in tune with everything. its cool to see that passion and love in him
Eric has opened up a lot. He seems to to be sharing a lot more personal opinions, he seems less afraid to be politically correct, or less afraid to say the wrong thing...i dont' know if that makes sense. I love being in the loop of his romantic life too.
And me and mom...oh many battles. so many arguments. so many times i just would have given ANYTHING for her to leave me alone! But i know that if she hadn't been there...i would be screaming for her. She sets a high standard. and i think im deathly afraid of failing her. But recently, by just embarrassed, or im afraid, she sees im not being "distant" im just trying to not be a failure....her and i relate on a lot of levels too. About never feeling good enough...i feel like i'm always apologizing to her for messing up. But i think my mom is the best example of unconditional love besides Christ.

So, even though pretty much ALL of my friends have gone...i have never been more thankful for my family.

Im also extremely thankful for Mark(the boyfriend) He's been with me since the beginning of my downfall with all my friends here at school and even though its been absolutely ridiculous at times, he has always listened. Which is what i need sometimes...just someone to listen. and give me a bear hug at the end of it all.He's had the perfect balance of being protective, but ALWAYS respecting my independence, which everyone knows i HAVE to have;-) He's met mom, and lauren so far. i really want the rest of my family to meet him. He's also met Jeff and Molly. i didn't waste any time there. I basically was like...ok, here he his. what do you think...and based on what they said, i went from there. Jeff and molly both really liked him. Which says a LOT. haha. that i've filled everyone off to bed to start the longest day of my life work 6:30am-9:50 class from 10-4....then homework. or my death bed...whatever comes first.

Much Love.